March 2, 2011

San Francisco, CA -- Great news! Apple releases it’s second generation, highly acclaimed iPad on March 11, 2011. Apple announced several new features to make the iPad 2 thinner, lighter, and more productive. The new iPad is literally carbon-thin paper with a lightweight stainless steel binding.

Improvements in the second-generation device largely tracked with the rumors preceding its introduction. It is one-third thinner than its predecessor - slimmer than the iPhone 4 - and 15 percent lighter. Apple did this by completely removing all circuits and electronics from the iPad. “It looks like a regular notepad now, and acts like one” stated one avid Apple fan.

"We think 2011 is clearly going to be the year of iPad 2," said Jobs, after walking onstage to a standing room.

Jobs' onstage appearance sent Apples stock up about $3. It closed at $352.12, up 0.8 percent for the day.

"We've been working on this product awhile, and I didn't want to miss today," said Jobs.

-   Bill Whitley, Journalist


 
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Provo, UT -- Just two days after dismissing Brandon Davies, Coach Dave Rose devised a new offensive strategy for the upcoming Mountain West Basketball tournament in Las Vegas. “We are going to a four man plan” Rose related. “Jimmer is the highest scoring player in the NCAA, why would we need 5 guys?”

 

After being frustrated by New Mexico’s defense at home trying to fill Davies void with James Anderson and then Kyle Collinsworth, Rose opted for plan C. “It’s the like the box and one… only we don’t need the extra one, and we’ll use it on offense too next week in Vegas.”

 
-    Doug Shougray, Sports



 
The retirement of Jerry Sloan as the coach of the Utah Jazz came as a shocker to basketball fans in and out of Utah. Jerry Sloan has coached the Utah Jazz for 23 seasons including two NBA finals and producing hall of fame players such as John Stockton and Karl Malone.

Even a bigger shock came as the world discovered for the first time that Jerry Sloan has a twin brother named Harry Sloan. It is now believed by many including past and present Jazz players the Jerry split time as coach with his twin Harry. They are almost impossible to tell apart physically. That is where in ends however. Jerry has spent his entire life living, learning, playing and coaching basketball. Harry has spent his life tucked away playing marbles. Jerry recently told the press that "no one can shoot a cats eye like Harry."

Splitting time as coach of the Jazz has really solved some on going questions. For years players noticed that some days it seemed like Jerry did not know "what the hell was going on," followed by brilliant basketball moves and perfect coaching.. The fact that Jerry and Harry split time as the Jazz coach really explains the holes in the Utah Jazz and their success. When Harry coached he was thinking a about ways to shoot marbles and how to win steelies while Jerry lived and breathed basketball.

The whole retirement issue shook the State of Utah but was nothing compared to the "twin revelation." The whole matter has put Jerry Sloan's 23 year coaching record in jeopardy. NBA officials what to know how  often Harry was the coach. One official who requested that his name was not reveled stated that Jerry should only get credit for 12.5 years.

It is unknown whether Jerry filled in for Harry at marbles competitions in the Midwest. One thing for sure, the controversy is likely to continue for some time as the facts are revealed and an official investigation is completed. David Stern NBA commissioner stated that the only thing that would be more shocking would be a revelation that Jerry and Harry were triplets and there is still one more Sloan to discover. After following this story nothing would shock this reporter.

Charles (Chip) VanPattrick


 
A recent study shows that snow storms and extreme weather affect stupid people more than smart people. A study funded by the University of Wyoming during 2009 and 2010 found that the "stupids" are much more susceptible to weather than the "smarties"

Stupid people have a difficult time with life in general states Jimmy Nickles from the department of Psychology at the University of Wyoming. Tack on three feet of snow, black ice and sub zero temperatures stupid people become even dumber. Making decisions as a stupid person is tough on a good day, let alone the extremes weather changes across the USA.

The University of Wyoming plans on introducing some new classes at its campus this spring. Being "Less Dumberer" and "Hiding Your Stupidity" are just two of the classes planned. The classes are promised to get easier as students advance.

Originally researchers believed that blond hair had a negative impact and perhaps even caused stupidity. Recent finding are proving this to be wrong. With all the hair dye available it is impossible to really know who is blond and who is dumb states Mr. Nickles.

Stupid people are encouraged to eat brain food which include extra fruit and vegetables in the hopes it may help. If you are going to be dumb at least be healthy states Dr. Nickles.

- Bev Labrum  / Lifestyle reporter
 
In the recent game against the 76ers the Jazz played a 6th man for over 8 minutes. No one in the audience or on the 76ers noticed the change. The idea was the brain child of Phil Johnson, assistant coach with the Utah Jazz.  The key to the plan lies in the size of the sixth man. The Utah Jazz signed a 20 day contract with Juan "Juan" Rodriguez. Juan is a native of Bolivia and is only 4ft 4 inches tall. The Jazz purchased a jersey that matches the pattern in the floor of the Energy Solutions Arena making it almost impossible to detect Juan. At the same time the extra man frustrated the 76ers and caused twice the normal turnovers.

Some have questioned the move and wondered if it was ethical. But the Utah Jazz adopted the position made famous by Charles Barkley. "If you aren't cheating you aren't trying." The Jazz plan on signing Juan "Juan" Rodriguez to a long term contract later this month. The good news said Jerry Sloan is that because no one knows he is there we don't need to pay him very much. There is some issue with the immigration situation but the Jazz are confident they can quickly get him a "green card.

Juan Juan Rodriguez played college ball at Bolivia Tech,  home of the fighting Blow Flies. Although basketball is not very popular in Bolivia the Jazz and the NBA are hopeful that moves such as this one will introduce Bolivians to pro basketball.

 

Michael Dyer demonstrated an amazing performance as a freshman running back vs. Oregon earlier this week. What most don't know is he also carried his team to the NCAA break dancing championship.
"I just grooved on over Eddie (Pleasant/Oregon DB) during the game, I'm a break dancer first and a running back second."

Michael is working on a one handed wrist plant for the coming football season. Coach Chizik of Auburn commented, "we put RUN D.M.C. in his helmet headset, it was game over then.."

--William Nie, Sports Guy



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Beginning on December 20th all visitors to Temple Square will be asked to wear Christmas lights on their head. Young people and adults with small heads will be equipped with a string of 9 volt battery powered lights. Larger heads and larger groups will have their lights powered by a 12 Volt car battery in a wheel-a-long bag.

Carrying the car battery is somewhat difficult because of the weight, but as one visitor put it, "who cares if you have a chance to personally participate with the lights at Temple Square."


As you enter Temple Square you will be asked if you have a pace maker or a metal plate in your head. This will not stop your participation but you will be equipped with a special metal hat prior to light installation. The metal hat resembles a Chinese cooking wok. Because it is made from chrome it reflects the lights and makes for an especially dramatic effect.

Women with "Beehive" hair do's and large hair styles will be especially excited about the new program. Weaving the lights into the hair style creates the same effect as your find when you weave lights through bushes and shrubs with your home Christmas lighting.


Imagine the effect as the thousands of lights at Temple Square are accompanied by hundreds of visitors walking through Temple Square with their heads "lit up."


Each light strand has a bar code and a security stamp. Visitors who forget to return their head lights and try to leave Temple Square will receive a "fun" shock to the forehead reminding them to return the lights for the next visitor. Souvenir Christmas Head Lights can be purchased just outside the gates of Temple Square for 19.95. The souvenir lights come in Utah Red, BYU Blue, College of Eastern Utah Yellow, or mixed colors for those who don't have a school alliance.

Reported by: Mary Samborne / Creative Living Contributor
 
Washington DC -- As everyone knows even though your local Post Office may have 10 service windows, you have probably never seen more than 2 open at a time. The line sometimes wraps around like a Disney Land ride, but with no fun at the end. This proves to be a great waste of space,not to mention time and money.

With this in mind the Post Office is merging with Starbucks. The open windows will serve coffee and donuts offering the Post Office patrons something to do while they stand in line. USPS is hopeful that this merger will not only make for a better use of space, but cut down on arguments and patrons constant impatience. Several Steak houses expressed interest in opening their restaurants in the post office but it was felt that steak, potatoes, vegetables and rolls would be too difficult to balance while holding a package.


For those wishing for something other than coffee, several shakes and fruit juices will be offered. Cup holders will be placed around the counter giving patrons somewhere to rest their drinks while filling out forms, addressing labels. In return, the Post Office will now feature a cup of steaming coffee on their forever $0.44 stamp.


Clyde Clemson, Independent Reporter
 
During a recent meeting that was attended by Major League Soccer and the Professional Bowlers Association, several new rule changes were adopted. In order to make both sports more interesting to players and spectators, the MLS and PBA exchanged rules. Beginning in 2012 there will no longer be goalies on the soccer field but there will be goalies on each lane at bowling alleys. It is hoped that this move will make the action more exciting for both sports. No longer will you see a low scoring, 1-0 soccer game. Professionals expect the soccer scores to reach 50 or more points per game.

Bowlers and fans of bowling alike will now have a chance to see some real action. As one bowler put it, "after you have seen one strike you have seen them all."  This same professional bowler commented that now spectators will get the chance to see a bowling goalie "crack his skull, split a lip or bust a knee cap."  The American Bowlers Club is hoping that this change will improve their access to new advertisers. It is much easier to get a beer company to advertise your sport when you have some blood.


It was also proposed that these two sports switch uniforms. Soccer players would wear long pants and bowling shirts and bowlers would wear short - shorts and long socks. This rule switch was voted down by both groups after seeing the bare legs of most bowlers. The bowling group also considered changing the ball from round to an egg shape but felt this may prove too difficult with the addition of  bowling goalies. Soccer also considered making the soccer ball 5 times as heavy but decided against the move after many of the players that tested the ball broke their toes.


This has spurred discussion between other sports groups. The NFL is now working with the US Badminton Association, Major League Baseball with professional chess players, and NASCAR is considering ways to combine with professional swimmers. Synchronized Swimming had recent meetings with the WWF.


"Big" Jim Denton, National Sports Magazine
 
Las Vegas, NV -- Scientists harness the fart. Recently a group of UNLV scientists harnessed enough human flatulence to power an '89 Ford Probe

A recent test family stated that "after 3 good meals we can go 150 miles in our Camry." The collection unit resembles a briefcase attached to a vacuum hose. Scientists hope to minimize the size of the collection unit to something as small as a wallet. Although test families say the car smells horrible, they report that the ride is smooth and the "pick up" is excellent. As a bonus the collection units can inflate a flat tire.

Scientists hope that a collection unit will be attached to every bum in America buy 2018, Experts agree that Mexican food provides the best fuel and are encouraging restaurants to gear up and provide my Mexican meal options.


Horrace Pinkerton, Science Reporter



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