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 Sweep, the new Utes mascot The University of Utah announced today that it will have a new mascot early next year. Swoop, the sports mascot of the Utes since 1996, will now be changed to Sweep, a broom which represents not only teamwork, but cleanliness, a key to a successful team and sports arena. "Red-tailed hawks are people too" stated Tom Culpepper, zoologist , and long time student of the indigenous Utah birds. The new broom mascot will be represented by Ryan Busterling, U of U alum and long time college raquetball fan. Bud Chippett, Sports  Swoop, the former Utes mascot North Salt Lake, UT-- Yugo to reintroduce its car line into the U.S. Utah has been selected to test market the new YugoBurb, an 8 passenger vehicle designed to compete in the light SUV market. In order the keep costs and weight down, Yugo has developed several breakthrough technologies. Although an 8 passenger vehicle, the YugoBurb has only one door on each side. It extends from the front to the rear giving all 8 passengers the ability to enter the car at once. The typically heavy upholstery in most SUV's has been replaced with Wicker making the Yugo both light weight and breezy. The dash board is build from recycled caffeine free Coke bottles, abundant in Utah. The YugoBurb is powered by a 3 cylinder Briggs and Straton motor. Starting the vehicle from the outside with a pull start keeps the cost low and helps provide a unique way to remain physically fit.
Boris Steathson spokesman for YugoBurb stated that Utah was a perfect test sight for this new vehicle. "Mormons are both cheap and have many kids" . Boris believes that once he gets a Bishop or Scoutmaster to buy off on this new concept that you will find a YugoBurb in every driveway. The vehicle comes in bright white, medium white and dark white and should be available in February of 2010. The vehicle will be marketed as a 2012 giving Yugo a jump on all other SUV companies. Randy Richardson - Auto Day Reporter Salt Lake City, UT -- New words to be used in official Utah State Documents announced today. The word "Fark" will now replace the word "fork" and the word "Harse" will replace the word "horse" in official state documents. It was proposed that "Crick" replace "creek" but was voted down in a tight stand-off during the last Utah session. However, the word "Crick" can replace the work "creek" if you live south of Payson, Utah or North of Logan, Utah without any fine or penalty. State Senator Jim Johnstone expressed his desire that Utah (and Southern Idaho) citizens would embrace this new law so other states would stop making fun of us. Bill "Gunny" Gunnison, RMF Weekly  Aggies JV Team during warm-ups Logan, UT -- After the recent loss by the the Utah State Football, team the Aggie's lost out on yet another NCAA bowl season. The players and coaches are very disappointed but, as they mentioned, "it is just like every other year." The athletic department has now turned their attention to the Aggie Boggle team. Boggle is one of the most popular parlor games and the Ag's are the ranked #1 in the country. As one Boggle player put it, "who cares about touchdowns when you can figure out words." Coach Smeadly hopes that the students will get behind the team and sell out the Dee Glen Smith Arena. Tickets start at 0.15 cents and lower bowl tickets are available for 0.78 cents. The season opens on December 15th.
- Bud Chippett, Sports By Bill "Gunny" Gunnison, RMF Weekly Special tissue paper has been developed to catch and contain flying boogers. Businessman and Church goers alike often have that embarrassing moment when they blow their nose but cannot find the booger in the tissue. It lands on your tie, suit or chin and sometimes does not show up until you are giving that important presentation or church talk. Tissue XX is reinforced with medium gauge screen wire to catch those little devils before they land somewhere that is undesired. Although this new tissue is not yet available, it is being heavily tested in North Dakota where conditions are perfect for developing these escaping boogers. It should be available in Utah, Idaho, and western South Dakota by Spring conditional upon FDA approval. Provo, UT -- Today BYU announced it's first ever women's football team, beginning in the 2011-2012 season. Athletic Director Tom Holmone has hired Steve Young, former NFL quaterback and player at BYU as the women's football team coach.
"We're thrilled to have more sports for women at our University." stated June Augustine, the teams first quarterback and defensive tackle. "We don't really need Title IX now that we are independent." The Lady Cougars will open the '11-'12 season against the Culinary College of Colorado Fighting Fillets. -Bud Chippett, Sports | EditorTortoise McClellan Journalist
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